Once I had a colleague who was unhappy. And she didn’t like others to be happy. We worked together at a psychiatric hospital. Whenever she saw me expressing happiness, she would sarcastically say, “Must be nice.” I found this upsetting and confusing and wondered does a person deserve to be happy if others are not?
We know from the writing of ancient Greek philosophers, and from the current evidence of neuroscience, that each of us perceives the world uniquely. This means that just because we think something is true does not make it so. Using the simple, powerful method of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) we can identify our thoughts and question them, to find out if what we are thinking is true.
“Should I not be happy, because others are not happy?”
Is it true? This is the first question in the method of CBT. I love this question. Is it true that I should not be happy because my colleague is not happy?
I practice CBT professionally and also personally. So, in the situation with my colleague, I was able to determine my stressful thought: “I should suffer if she is suffering”. I believed that it was unkind to be happy when others are not. At the time, I thought that when a person was suffering, I was being kind to them by joining in and suffering too.
Now I call this confused compassion.
If my stressful thought was true, it would mean that no one deserves to be happy ever until no one in the world is unhappy. So we are all stuck. No one can move towards happiness.
Within the framework of CBT we identify stressful thoughts in the here and now. These thoughts though of course sit upon other, underlying thoughts. As we uncover these underlying thoughts, we get closer to our core beliefs about the world around us. In this context, what is the core belief about suffering? Is suffering necessarily bad?
“Suffering can be a means for psychological and spiritual growth”
Of course suffering is not necessarily bad. Suffering can be beneficial. Suffering can be a means for psychological and spiritual growth. If we learn from it. I didn’t know why my colleague was unhappy, but I realized I could believe she might learn something from it. She might find a gem inside of herself if she looked.
Now I call this clear compassion.
To believe there is a gem within someone’s suffering is clear compassion. It is faith in them. Yet we can’t help a friend or colleague find their gems if we aren’t looking for our own. We can’t do this if we ourselves don’t believe in happiness, if we don’t practice our own questing within.
Using CBT for questing within, we find one thought at a time, we write down one thought at a time, we question one thought at a time. To rewire our brains, one thought at a time.
“To believe there is a gem within someone’s suffering is clear compassion”
Neuroscientists have found that “what fires together wires together”. This simple concept was put forth in 1949 by Donald O. Hebb, PhD, a Canadian neuropsychologist known for his work in the learning process. It illustrates the fact that every experience sparks our neurons to “fire together” and when we repeat an experience over and over, the brain learns to spark the same neurons, and so they “wire together”.
For example, when we believe a thought such as “I don’t deserve to be happy unless everyone around me is also happy”, we are firing a series of neurons. If we believe this thought over and over, the neurons are wiring together, and we are creating a neural groove in our brain.
When we do CBT and put that thought on paper to question it, we are instead using other neurons. We are irrigating our brains with new thoughts. We are creating new neural grooves. Happier neural grooves.
“Knowing that happiness is a choice, we can be comfortable with those not choosing happiness for themselves”
In the beginning, we will have both, the deep familiar old neural grooves, and the new neural grooves. The old ones are familiar, so it may take time to believe a new thought like, “I can be happy even when everyone around me is not happy themselves”.
Once we learn that happiness is a choice and we start to choose this, it can feel uncomfortable to be around those who are not themselves choosing happiness. It can take time to inhabit the knowledge that people must choose happiness for themselves. We cannot chose for them.
Clear compassion respects their choice. Clear compassion can be intensely sorry for others unhappiness, and yet has wisdom and peace to share.
I learned to say to my colleague, “Yes. Feeling happy is nice. It really is.”
It can be important to know our core beliefs, since they create deep neural grooves in our brain. I learned to question mine about suffering and then, using my new neural grooves, I began to feel clear compassion.
“Clear compassion can be intensely sorry for others unhappiness, and yet has wisdom and peace to share”
I learned from this situation to humbly recognize that I don’t know why there is so much suffering in the world, but I can most effectively help by believing in happiness.
Florence Nightingale, who herself helped quite a lot, said, “Never lose an opportunity of urging a practical beginning, however small, for it is wonderful how often in such matters the mustard seed germinates and roots itself.”
Everyone in the whole world deserves happiness
Hebb, Donald O. (1949). The Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological Theory. John Wiley and Sons, New York, NY
Nightingale, Florence (1858). Notes on Nursing: What It Is, and What It Is Not. Dover Publications, New York, NY
Dr. Robin Barstow is a psychotherapist, writer, speaker, and founder of MINDWELTH, a Holistic Mental Health private practice. Driven by her goal of helping people to suffer less, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is the foundation of her social work. She also practices CBT on herself daily, and that experience informs her understanding of this profound, practical method. Robin Barstow holds a MA from Columbia University, a PhD from Yale University, and LCSW from the University of Maine. She has extensive training and knowledge from working inpatient and outpatient, with both children and adults. Her hobbies include swimming in the sea, knitting and traveling. Read More >>
Robin Barstow, LCSW, MA, PhD
MINDWELTH
207-664-4482
5 Fletcher Street, suite 201, Kennebunk, ME 04043
mindwelth@gmail.com
Website: https://mindwelth.com/
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